The End Where I Begin
by Gl02
Summary: After Age of Ultron. Natasha Romanoff is back to work with the new avengers, but in the back of her mind there is a lurking "Where is he?". How will Banner come back? And what then? Is there still a possibility for them to be together after Sokovia?
1. Chapter 1

Natasha saw the witch preparing to kick her and ducked to avoid the blow. She knew Wanda would wait for her to get back on her feet before making the next move, so she twisted her torso and used her legs to make her trip. Wanda readied another blow, but she had already lost balance and missed. Seconds after the black widow had her pinned.

"Woah, easy there, Tasha. I thouhgt this was training".

Natasha grabbed Wanda's hand and helped her to her feet and off the mat. "Falcon. You wanna join us?" A crooked smile.

Sam laughed awkwardly. "Not really, I've just finished with Barton and that is more than enough, thank you. Oh, and by the way, he said he was going to get coffee and would then come for you."

"Thank you. I'll be ready in 5 minutes, just let me finish here with Wanda".

"Oookay", Falcon said, already halfway through the door. "I'll leave you girls to it."

The girl raised an eyebrow and looked at her S.O. "I thought we were done for today."

"Not yet. For now we have focused on fighting only - physically. I want to know - "

"If I can fight and use my power at the same time?" Her smile had faded, seeing what the widow was asking her.

"Yes. And no, since once you attack someone mentally they're no longer able to move. It may come in handy with multiple opponents though. I want to know wheter your power can be trained as well as your body."

"Is that a dare? I don't want to hurt you."

"When you attacked Stark at Hydra's base, it wasn't just his fears. He saw the droids Ultron was creating. I want to see if you can conjure up fears related to the place you are fighting. And I want to learn how to - I don't want your powers to affect me, I need to be strong enough to bear one of your visions." Admitting to that last part wasn't easy, but the girl had probably already scanned her mind to see what she was up to.

"You want to play lab rat?" Wanda's eyes widened.

Natasha looked up. What a way to put it. "Yes".

"Ready?" The witch was looking at her, holding her right hand in front of her.

Natasha nodded.

Wanda tried to think about ways the training room could be turned into a nightmare. An eathquake, maybe. A flood. She concentrated, unconsciously bending her head to one side, on the idea of water, coming fast and loud through the doors, dripping from the ceiling, the loud noise of the pipes shaking. How it must feel to have your lungs full. Then she opened her black eyes and dove into the widow's mind.

_A blast of electricity. Then a grey mist all around. Murmured noises. Hushed voices. Russian. She's lying on a metal table. Cold, so damn cold. Her body feels like lead, her hands seem to be so far away from her body. She tries to move her head. Can't. Her eyes struggle to look around. Someone moves at her left, feet shuffle, a metallic sound and a pinch on the inside of her elbow. She struggles to get free, to punch, kick, scream, run away, kill. Someone slaps her. Pain - doesn't matter. Her vision clears and she can see where she is._

_The Red Room. Only it's not red._

_It's green._

**_Author's note: please if you have any suggestion about something you hated/disliked, think can be improved or even if there was something you liked, feel free to unleash your critical spirit and tell me :) Thank you._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Massive thanks to anyone that took the time to read my story, and who decided to follow it. I really didn't imagine I would receive this amazing feedback :)**

**Again, I'd love to hear what you think about the lines that follow, whether it be positive or negative.**

\- Earlier

Green.

Everything green. Food don't see me. Yup. But me like be biggest green. Me looked at anytime. Me like looked, me powerful. Here just trees, me no monkey.

Me smells … don't know what me smells. Food? Sniff. Food. Catch. Run.

Furry rat. Small. No good.

Me sleep now.

He wakes up in some forest, somewhere. His head hurts like hell and his muscles ache.

Damn.

He looks around. Shakes his head and gets up. His legs are a little wobbly and he has to lean on to a tree trunk before he can walk.

And I had thought I had had enough of this.

It takes some time before he can remember what has happened. Ultron, Sokovia, Natasha- a spark, a kiss and…and then the fall. Betrayal, rejection, doubt, hurt, and rage.

He feels his heartbeat increase and shuts his eyes, concentrating on breathing evenly, in and out. He exhales and realises he has stopped walking.

He tries to concentrate on the glimpses he has from the Big Guy. A jet, and then water, leaves. Is that - a meerkat? Nevermind.

He checks his left arm for the lump he knows to be a chip. Intact. Good, then Fury'll know where to look for me.

If I want to be found.

"So what do we do? Disappear?"

He knows he can't. Not like this, with no money, without knowing where he is and what happened after he fell and turned into the other guy. I'll never get used to this.

So he walks, until he finds the closest village. And then he waits.

S.H.I.E.L.D. finds him in a week. It would have taken less, but after Sokovia there are more urgent matters to be taken care of. Sokovia itself. Hunting down every website to look for traces left by Ultron and taking them down (and, by the way, does anybody actually know how big the Internet is?). Fury trying to get Stark to shut his mouth for once and not tell anyone he is alive. The new Avengers team.

He learns about all of this eagerly, and feels torn between the relief knowing his friends are all well and suffering for all the lives the fight has claimed. He wished he had had the chance to get to know Pietro better- no, not better, just…to get to know him.

He doesn't know the agents that are sent to him, but really doesn't care either. They give him some food and, finally, decent clothes. It isn't until they are in flight that he asks to be taken to a safehouse, instead of…anywhere they planned to take him, actually.

The agent eyes him suspiciously, then nods gets into the cockpit.

"They want to debrief you first." She says from there.

He sighs. "So where are we going?"

"HQ."

A half grin no one can see. Obviously.


	3. Chapter 3

As Doctor Banner enters the new facility he is both surprised to see how different and yet how similar to the Tower it is. Sure, there is much more people around, agents who eye him suspiciously, probably wondering if they should start to worry about having a big, angry monster to defend themselves from.

He is quickly escorted to a conference room where a screen has already been set up. He sits down, shoulders down, keeping his hands on his lap, and seconds after Maria Hill's face is displayed in front of him.

"Doctor Banner", she says in her best professional tone, eyes fixed on him and head held high.

"Miss Hill", he nods before averting his gaze.

"You know I need you to tell me what happened in Sokovia, and after that."

So he tells her. He fidgets at first, but, on the plane, he had already made up his mind to try and avoid saying anything specific on his leaving Sokovia. "I, ehm, fell. And then, as you know, the big guy took over. I think he got on a jet, which then crashed."

There is a moment of silence, followed by a sharp nod. Then, she looks down on the papers lying on her desk.

"You asked to be allowed to go to a safehouse." Hill looks up at him. "Why?"

"To - I … With all due respect, I don't think I can be of use for the time being. But I am not in a position as to be able to leave S.H.I.E.L.D., or whatever that is now…"

"You are an Avenger"

He chuckles bitterly, and this time it is he who looks straight at her. "Or the Hulk is?"

Her lips tighten into a fine line.

"Look, you know I can't let you go. I'd get you back with Tony and let you do - whatever you science buddies do. But after Ultron, after Vision… Not everyone in the agency would agree to let you two mess around with tech this soon. Many say you should have stopped Stark, if not straight away, on his second attempt for sure. I myself find it hard to think they are wrong. And you wouldn't want them to listen to those who ask for your arrest."

She smiles, and her eyes soften. "You could help with creating the algorithm to scan the Internet for remaining traces of Ultron, that is one of our top priorities at the moment."

He considers the idea of asking if he can refuse, but he already knows the answer. She is offering an excuse for him not to have this feel this too much like an order, but they both knows S.H.I.E.L.D.S. scientists and engineers have no need of his help, that they probably already have an algorithm, if not more than one, working. They both know there is no acceptable alternative.

"I'll see what I can do, then", he says. There's a spark of green in his eyes, lingering, that the webcam can't detect.

"Thank you, Dr. Banner" and he knows she means it. "Agent Johnson will show you your rooms then. Bye".

The door behind him opens and a young man in black attire - Johnson- enters, then the signal goes off.

"If you would follow me, sir."

They go back to the big, airy hall. There Bruce looks up to the ceiling, past the mirror glass panels that make up the walls, before following Johnson into a corridor.

Just for a second, Natasha wonders if he might have been looking straight at her.

Behind her, leaning on the doorframe, Barton is observing her. If he didn't know her so well, he would probably be missing the little signs that betray her nervousness: the slight frown, of which he has a glimpse from her reflection on the glass, the way her body seems to be a little more tense that usual.

"You might as well stop staring and come in", she says, not moving, her eyes never leaving the scene below her.

"I was thinking… I hate to have to admit it, but Laura was right."


	4. Chapter 4: Nightmares

So...here is the next chapter :) Hope you enjoy (I really, really, really, really do). And, again, a massive "thank you" to all of those who reviewed or decided to follow - or even to favourite! That sounds crazy to me *.* This feedback really makes me so happy. If you have time to, please review! I've found out that I really like reviews ^^ Even if they say "Oh, I didn't like this..." or "I feel like this ... needs to be improved".

* * *

**Nightmares, or Trouble always comes back**

Natasha was woken up by a loud growl. She immediately sat up on her bed and reached for the gun she always kept on her nightstand.

Other noises followed and she wished she was wrong about what caused them.

A beep, before the someone from the control room notified her: "Agent Romanoff, it's the Hulk. We need you to fix the situation"

"Where is he?"

"West wing, his quarters are just opposite from Ms. Maximoff's"

"What? Okay." She had to talk to Hill or Fury about this. No one was supposed to be there at night, let alone Banner. "I'm on my way."

She took a deep breath and started running towards the west wing.

She put the earplug in her ear and activated it. "Has anyone woken up Agent Maximoff?"

"Not yet."

"See to it ASAP, I may need her help."

Wanda had been having nightmares since the battle in Sokovia. The problem was, she was also projecting them on other people. Once it became clear that her nightmares wouldn't go away neither easily nor soon, they had to relocate her room to an isolated area of the facility. _It was so stupid to put Banner there._

She reached Wanda's room and saw that Banner's door had been unhinged and thrown down the corridor. She followed the noises and found the Hulk in one of the lobbies - probably one of the few rooms big enough for him to stand.

He was picking up and smashing any object he could lay his hands on: pieces of wood and metal were lying scattered on the ground. The Hulk was wagging his arms, a sound that strangely resembled a moan coming from him.

"How is it with Maximoff?" Natasha asked, keeping her voice as low as she could, hoping he wouldn't hear her.

"Agent Horowitz just got to her."

"Let me know when she is awake" she replied.

She crouched and moved forwards, peeking from the corner of the corridor. If she was to be honest with herself, she wasn't positive about the outcome of this. _Will he still consider me as a friend? _That was why the Scarlet Witch would be needed if things went south.

"Romanoff? Horowitz here. Agent Maximoff's awake. Should we reach you?"

"No, stay there. But keep ready. I'm going in."

"Copy that."

She slowly stood up, putting her gun back into its holster on her hip. As she looked back to the Hulk, she could see the confused look on his face. He shook his head, as if trying to get whatever the Witch had put in it out. Then he saw her.

"Hey, Big Guy."

Natasha was holding her breath, waiting for his reaction.

When she made eye contact, she pushed past her worries and smiled at him, holding out her hand.

"Sun's getting real low"

The Hulk was staring at her, his face part puzzlement from before and part recognition. When the first took over, he snarled violently and tried to grab her.

Her eyes widened in surprise and fear. _Damn._

She ducked and rolled on the side. Then she sprinted as fast as she could to get away, followed by the enraged growl of the Hulk. She could hear the loud thumping of his steps following her and hoped that the corridor she had run into was just small enough to slow him down a little.

"Wanda" she cried, touching her earplug. "I need you to get into his mind. Calm him down." She paused. "Do you think you can make it?"

"Got it" the Witch replied.

_That's my girl._

The widow kept running, but, after a few seconds, she could hear the Hulk getting slower and clumsier. She turned her head back and saw him getting to his knees, eyes unfocused, and allowed herself to stop.

"Nice work, Wanda. I'll be there in a moment" She said.

She stopped for just a moment, glancing back at him from above her shoulder rapidly, before walking back to her newly made friend, keeping her usual bold and cat-like stride and her lips in a tight straight line.


	5. Chapter 5: A losing game

AN: Sorry if it took me a while to get this up (tests happened, unfortunately. Which means the next month will be really busy, but I'll try to keep up with this story). For this chapter I decided to change the style a litle bit, I hope you like it and I'd love to hear what you think of it.

Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed and/or pressed the follow or favourite button: you are amazing!

* * *

_\- I wish you told me the truth for once, instead of something to make me feel better._  
_\- How long until you trust me?_  
_\- It's not you I don't trust._

* * *

**A losing game**

Natasha woke up earlier than usual. Her left arm felt a little sore and her head ached.  
She shifted, sitting on the edge of her bed, thinking.  
During the previous weeks, she had tried to avoid thinking about Bruce. Now everything was coming to the surface all at once. She felt really confused, torn between her feelings and her thoughts. She hadn't expected him to come back, actually. Not this soon, at least. She had figured he would keep in contact with Stark, even work with him from time to time, but staying always under the radar. Of course, he would always have been under surveillance from HQ, but in some exotic developing country, trying to help as Banner and not as the Hulk. Why hadn't he come back right after Sokovia, then?  
_Disappear._  
Moreover, the lullaby hadn't worked. She had thought they were good…apparently not.  
She rolled her shoulders back and went to the gym, hoping to find Steve to spar with and clear her mind before training with the other avengers. They were improving fast, getting to know each other - and the world, as far as Vision was concerned. She smiled to herself, thinking she could almost see a pattern there: Steve, waking up after seventy years, Thor and his Asgardian words and behaviour… But Vision was doing great and he was also helping Wanda with her powers, and with her mourning as well, due to his gentle ways. The girl was so strong and determined that Natasha could see a part of herself in her, but getting over Pietro's loss would be the hardest struggle for the girl, it would take time, and the widow could not but be glad that someone with a warmer character was there to help her.

The rest of the morning went fast.  
She got a call from Clint, who was enjoying his parental leave - and complaining about having to change diapers (_men_) - and then had lunch with the others. Of course, Wanda said nothing about the incident from last night - she hadn't done anything on purpose, so she strong-mindedly wasn't going to blame herself, but was determined to work harder to control her powers fully.  
There was no training scheduled for the afternoon so she headed towards the west wind, knowing Bruce would be there helping with fixing the damage caused by the Hulk. She hadn't talked to him the night before, as she was aware that that was definitely not the right time, but they needed to, the sooner, the better.  
When she saw him, she leaned on to the wall, crossing her arms.  
"What's up, doc?" she called, smirking lightly.  
He turned and his eyes widened, betraying his surprise in seeing her.  
"Natasha. I - "he answered, wiping his hands on the hem of his shirt to get some of the white dust off "Hi."  
"I was going to get something to drink, do you fancy a cup of tea?" she offered with a smile that didn't lighten her eyes.  
"Um, well" he looked up at her and then quickly averted his gaze. When he looked back at her, she could see he was hesitant and his mind was working.  
"Yeah, why not?" he finally answered.  
They silently got their drinks and decided to go to one of the large balconies facing the woods - the view being one of the advantages of the new facility's top secret location, both of them glancing at the other as they walked (of course Natasha noticed him looking at her, but she pretended not to).  
They were both happy to see each other and holding back at the same time. She could read the tension his body language betrayed, mirroring the muscles she was consciously keeping relaxed to hide hers.  
She was the first to break the silence.  
"So…What brought you back?"  
"Fury won't let go of me, so" he paused "I guess I might as well get to work, I might get back to my lab at Tony's" he added drily.  
"No trying to hide in some developing country this time?" She smiled.  
"Like they wouldn't send you for me on the first occasion."  
She did not know how to take that.  
They fell into silence again for some minutes, sipping their hot drinks and staring at the trees, arms resting on the railing.  
"How is the girl - Wanda?" he asked.  
Natasha was surprised, but understood his concern.  
"She is fine. Losing her brother really was a hard blow, but she is strong. She'll be fine, really."  
"Last night - There was so much…pain. I- I felt him _die_! And then there was her pain." He turned his head to look at her "Part of me hates her for messing with my mind, but…no one should experience something like that - even the Hulk couldn't ignore it." There was a deep sadness in his tone.  
"She'll recover, don't worry." she said. Clint would have recognised that unusual note in her voice as pride. "She is strong."  
She put her hand on his forearm, a gesture meant to be consoling, but he shifted uncomfortably.  
She clenched her teeth.  
"Why are you mad at me?"  
_Here we go,_ she thought.  
She saw his eyes glinting green. "Because you threw me down a well!"  
"You know why I did it."  
"And you knew what I wanted."  
"You wanted us to disappear."  
"Wouldn't you?" He was struggling not to raise his voice.  
Hers, on the other side, was completely calm, hard and controlled. It was the voice of the black widow.  
"Why? Without S.H.I.E.L.D., without the Avengers I'm nothing more than a _killer_, a mercenary, even. _This_" she gestured around them with her hand "is what keeps me from being what they created in the red room. I _belong_ here." _Or it's the closest I'll ever get._  
"As if the Avengers never kill. We might be Avengers, but we're monsters nonetheless."  
"At least I get to choose the good side."  
He stood silent for a moment, eyes glued to the ground.  
He had the unusual habit of stopping averting his gaze whenever he mustered the courage to ask a question of the utmost importance: "Are you happy, here?"  
She shook her head. "Happiness was never an option". _Neither was love._  
He sighed heavily, running a hand through his dark hair.  
"I- You know the Avengers never wanted _me_. It's the other guy. He is the valuable asset: I'm the one you're stuck with between one green code and the next. Even you couldn't help it"  
"You know that is not true -"  
"I DON'T belong, Natasha. Not here, not anywhere else."  
"You could, you know that. You have friends here. You could have a purpose." But she didn't dare add more to that.  
"Yeah, next time try to say that before pushing me off the edge." he scoffed.  
"I had no other choice. Yes, I would do that again. We needed the Hulk. Believe it or not, he saved lives! The Avengers work because we are a team; without that, we are nothing. And we paid a high price to learn that lesson. We can't afford the luxury, nor the choice, of backing down."  
"Bravo! Sounds like a little preaching from the Captain. But I'm not buying it"  
"I mean it. I always mean what I say to you, Bruce." she said, looking at him sternly, ignoring the ache she felt.  
He blinked. Twice. Opened his mind and then closed it, unsure what to say, how to take her words.  
Memories from Sokovia flooded his mind: sounds, images of the well, the feeling of her lips and then the hard push and the briefest feeling of floating, before having his muscles tearing and exploding in green pain. _"I adore you_".  
Bruce slowly felt his heartbeat racing and his vision clouding.  
"Hold on" he managed to say, turning his back to her abruptly. "I need to catch my breath".  
She froze in concern, gaze focused on him as he slowly walked away, his chest heaving visibly as he breathed carefully in an out.  
After a few minutes he walked back to her, his jaw set.  
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to push this hard."  
He smiled his crooked and sad smile.  
"We didn't mean to be mad at each other, too."  
"I thin-"  
They were interrupted by a whirring sound and then a thump as a metal armoured man landed a few feet from them.  
"What is Rhodes doing here?" Natasha thought. Then she recognised the colours of the suit. _Oh, no._  
"Bruce, buddy, where have you been?" Tony Stark said, opening his arms for emphasis as he approached. He took off his helmet and smiled cheekily "Oh and, Nikita, tell me I'm not interrupting anything: I forgot to bring popcorn!"


	6. Chapter 6: A friendly visit

_Finally, finally my worst exams are gone and I can go on with this, sorry if it took me so long :( I hope to upload more soon!_

_This is more like just a filler chapter, and an attempt to write something different I'd love to receive feedback on! Enjoy!_

* * *

_Is that…Tony?_

Bruce can't help but roll his eyes at his friend's timing.

"Bruce, buddy, where have you been?" the billionaire says, before adding an embarassing "Oh and, Nikita, tell me I'm not interrupting anything: I forgot to bring popcorn!"

He knows that Natasha and Tony aren't exactly on good terms.

But he is happy to see his friend after a while and a part of him is also grateful for the distraction - he doesn't feel like arguing, or hulking out, for all that matters.

Natasha is already slipping away and with a plain and simple "I'll leave you guys to catch up" is out of his sight.

Bruce realizes he has been holding his breath.

Tony notices the look in his friend's eyes, but says nothing at all. _Later._

"So, have you enjoyed your trip to Fiji?" Tony asks.

"How do you- oh, nevermind".

"Man, I should feel offended", the man says, placing his palm above is heart, "Don't tell me you lost your faith in my many talents after that little incident with Ultron!"

Bruce stiffens for a moment at the thought.

"Fiji was nice. How are things at Stark Tower? Have you turned my lab into a candy factory yet?"

"I was thinking more of a distillery…but since you came back…You can't stay here working for Captain Hook much longer, eh, Banner? I am here to rescue you."

The doctor gives a lopsided grin.

"If only it was that easy…"

"C'mon, is it because of miss Russia's smiles?"

"Actually, I meant Fury: he probably won't let go of me easily, especially if it means I go back to working with you - yeah, sorry, man" he says, seeing Tony's childish mock-hurt grimace.

"Buuuut?" Tony prods.

Bruce sighs. "_But, _I might as well try and fix things with Natasha, as long as I am stuck here."

"So _there is _a thing going on! F.R.I.D.A.Y., would you mind changing Dr. Banner's Facebook status to "In a steamy relationship with the Black Widow" for me?"

"Yes, sir." comes the prompt reply from the AI.

Bruce's eyes widen. "But I don't have Facebook!"

"Of course you do! You don't want to disappoint all your fangirls, don't you?"

"F.R.I.D.A.Y., do I want to know about it?"

"Probably not, Dr. Banner."

"Thank you."

Stark makes a show of rolling his eyes.

"Okay then, team up against me". He crosses his arms, but after a moment he lays one on Bruce's shoulders. "So, is this _thing_ serious?"

Bruce is surprised that he actually asks, but doesn't mind having a friend to talk to about it.

"I don't know… It is just-"

"Are you BLUSHING?"

"Tony!"

The millionaire smirks in response.

"I really care about her, but - no one should be in a relationship with me, it's too dangerous and…I just can't."

"Hey, I _thought we _were in a relationship! Is all this bromance just a game for you?!" He mock-wipes a tear from his left eye.

Bruce knows he means well, so he decides to ignore the comment.

"And I am also…_angry _at her because of her loyalty to S.H.I.E.L.D., because of damn Sokovia, and because I feel like I can't stay mad at her for long but I want to." _Because she makes me think I can be a better person, that maybe things will be good…_ "It's just….ugh!" He runs a hand through his hair.

"Oh, you are in deep, my friend, that isn't hard to tell."

"Yeah, I guess so." Bruce says, looking at the ground.

"Anyway, enough talking about me. Wanna head inside, say hi to the others?"

"Who's there?"

"Wanda Maximoff, the Vision, Rhodes, Wilson, Barton maybe….".

"I don't know who might be creepiest, that little Wicked Witch of the East or ex-J.A.R.V.I.S. - I mean, he is still _my _J.A.R.V.I.S., but he is not and I don't know how should behave, it's not like I don't know him."

"Tony, you never behave anyway."

"See? That's why I like you: you really understand me, darling."

* * *

_So, here was my attempt at a Tony-Bruce moment. Please let me know what you think of it (in any case: whether you liked it, you hated it or if it was just "hmm"), it would make my day!_

_I would also really like to know if you want me to write about Tony meeting Vision or to go straight back to Brutasha._


	7. Chapter 7: Everytime we say goodbye

_Side note: I noticed that, no matter how many times I try to change that in this story's "settings", I can't set Natasha and Bruce as pairing. Does anyone know how I could fix that? If so, please, let me know._

_And now, the seventh chapter, hope you like it!_

* * *

Natasha was quickly and methodically preparing her duffel bag after Fury's call when there was a soft knock on her door.

She put her last item inside, zipped the bag and threw it over her shoulder, then, she opened the door to find Bruce, waiting.

She got out of her room and quickly, but gracefully, closed the door, blocking his view of the inside.

As soon as he saw her bag, his expression changed from hesitant to surprised.

"You leaving?" he asked.

"Fury got me some work" she stated simply.

He just nodded, realising she couldn't share more. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it, looked down, then picked up his glasses from the pocket of his lab coat and started fidgeting with them.

Natasha would have normally let him take his time, but her jet was due in half an hour.

"Is Stark gone?" she asked, breaking the silence.

Bruce finally looked up at her.

"What? Oh, yes." There was a pause. "We were going to see the other Avengers, but then his phone buzzed and he started to babble something about ships and reviews…was probably higher than usual."

He put his glasses back in their pocket.

"Natasha, I wanted to apologize for earlier. It's just - Why didn't you just tell me you don't want to leave?"

She stared into his warm and now completely brown eyes.

"Because I wasn't sure", was her utterly honest answer.

She saw the emotions flicker on his face: surprise, confusion, disbelief, pain, a glimpse of understanding, sadness.

Her voice was soft and warm: "Bruce, look, I need to go now. I'll try to get in touch while I am away."

He just shrugged, his shoulders even more slumped afterwards.

"I know you're still angry with me."

"I am always angry, remember?"

Again, there was that look of resignation on him, that underlying rage that she guessed was aimed at himself more than at the other guy. Being just the big guy would have been easier in some way: no doubts, no worries, no self-loathing. He would never admit it, but he sometimes envied the Hulk.

.

_Dear Bruce,_

_Oddly enough, it was easier to send you a letter than get hold of a computer that would not be tracked._

_This mission is taking longer that it was supposed to - don't worry, I'm fine._

_You asked me why I didn't tell you I don't want to leave, and I hope this letter will explain._

_After Wakanda it took me a while to be able to think straight - I think you understand. I questioned all the work I had done since I met Clint. Things that usually surface only in dreams were as clear as day, my ledger read "killer", "monster" in letters redder that ever._

Then _you show up and for a second I think that that is not the only way. _

_I felt rejected as well._

_But then and there, I believed in the possibility of running away, with you._

_But the farm is Clint's haven. I don't have one, no "happy place" to go back to. Neither do you._

_Ultron struck back, stronger. In my cell in Sokovia I had time to think. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I _wanted _to get out and fight, not just because that is what I do, but it is what I choose to do, every day, because, even though I know my ledger will never be cleaned, I can build something better, something to make up for the person I was because of the red room._

_This is who I want to be._

_I had no other choice but to push you, in Sokovia. I hope you can understand._

_If I hid… I could easily do it. But we both know full well that the possibility of being an "ordinary" person was taken away from me long ago. It is a scar that will never fade._

_One needs to face his monsters, even when they are monsters themselves._

_I can't pretend to be something I am not. Not even for you._

_You know I am angry with you because of this. Part of me still wants to run away with you._

_Another thing I think you should understand is that this is all new to me. I was never allowed to have such deep feelings - a spy can't get attached, or it becomes a liability._

_Something else I owe to S.H.I.E.L.D. is the possibility to have uninhibited feelings, friends even, though old habits die hard._

_When Fury sent me to Kolkata, I never would have expected, first, to find someone very much alike me, and then, to fall for you._

_I hope this letter finds you well,_

_Please say "Hi" to the other Avengers for me,_

_Natasha_

_P.S. I still adore you_

_._

Bruce found the letter waiting for him in his lab one morning, about two weeks after she had left.

He had dug in his work harder than usual to keep his mind off everything else. He hardly ever slept and when he did, it was usually because he had dozed off in the lab.

He kept to himself, except for those times when Steve would show up with a cup of coffee for him, just to chat for a couple minutes.

He was truly happy - and surprised - to receive that letter.

As he was reading it, he realised he had never seen Natasha's handwriting. It was strangely harsh and spiky for a woman, all sharp, tall, strong lines.

He read it once, then went through it again and again. She was always so sincere and direct.

_I had no other choice. _He still didn't believe that. They both had a choice. She had just chosen her job over him.

But as he read again, he realized he couldn't blame her for that.

_I felt rejected as well. _That was true for both of them. When she had practically thrown herself into his arms, he had flinched away. There was no future with him. Then why was he asking her to believe in it?

_But then and there, I believed in the possibility of running away, with you. _Damn, he wanted so badly to run away, and to be with her. It didn't seem that likely anymore, though.

_I am angry with you because of this. _He usually was the angry one. He was still angry at her, too. The moment she threw him off that well…something cracked inside him, all that trust she had slowly built in him with time was compromised.

Though…_I still adore you. _If only that was true…That would have been really nice. If only…

_One needs to face his monsters._


	8. Chapter 8: Fight or flight

***Gets out from under tons of books* I'm still alive! And I have a new chapter for you, hope you enjoy :)**

* * *

"Hey, Doctor Banner!"

Bruce lifts his eyes from his laptop and the work he has been doing since…_was it yesterday? And by the way, what time is it? _to find a smiling Captain America holding out a paper cup for him.

"Steve" he greets. He is getting used to these visits, and he must admit that Steve is a really nice person to be around. They don't have much in common as with Tony, but he is really a good guy - some people mock him for this, calling him a boy scout and saying he is "too good", even naive, but it is something Bruce always looks up to. And the doctor will never forget the way Rogers seemed really interested in _him_, not in the monster he could be, on their first meeting. That was something rare, if not unique, for him - at least after the Hulk happened.

"What's up? Today I thought that I might come with an offer as well, and not just tea." Steve said.

Bruce's mouth forms a "Oh" as he takes the proffered cup. His gaze falls down for a moment, before settling towards Steve, not really looking him in the eyes but some inches lower.

"Tell me."

Steve is direct: "You should start some physical training."

Bruce feels like his jaw has just fallen to the ground.

"Me?" he asks, his tone sceptical.

"It might come in handy in case we have a mission where no greed code is needed. We hadn't considered it at first, but seeing your latest improvements in controlling the Hulk it is definitely a possibility now". Captain America explains matter-of-factly.

"I- uhm…" Bruce's hands instinctively clutches around his paper cup, giving away his tension.

Steve just smiles at him.

"It is not an order, just a suggestion." He touches Bruce on the shoulder. "Just think about it okay?"

He smiles again and leaves the lab.

.

A few days later Tony texts him. _Give it a try._

Steve hasn't said anything more, but Bruce knows he is waiting for his answer, and hoping for a positive one. He also knows that the Captain wouldn't force him to join training, and just give him a sad smile and nod, accepting his decision, if he refused.

He has thought about this for a while. _Where is the catch? _But he can't find one. Well, except for him probably being thrown in the battlefield once again. _Maybe Fury is shortening his leash. _He is tempted to write a list of pros and cons. Part of him is actually interested in the idea - not that he has ever been a sports guy, but, being able to defend himself might actually keep the other guy at bay: in every combat situation Bruce is utterly helpless, the best he can do is hide and embarrassingly hope that no one gets shot in the attempt to protect him, and as soon as he is faced with danger, he hulks out, unable to control the hyper-keen survival instinct of the other guy. It could be a further step to getting rid of the _monster_ inside of him.

He feels the Hulk growl in the back of his mind at the word.

On the other hand, he is not cut for the field. Hello? He has lived a great part of his life in labs! And the labs he would have to leave if he stepped from "Mad-scientist-with-a-useful-problem-with-anger-management" to "operative agent". Not that he is particularly proud or satisfied of the work he is doing at the moment. He quite enjoys chasing the remnants of Ultron down inactive websites and hidden servers - the bastard had been undoubtedly clever. But that reminds him every day of the mess he has caused. And living with the weight of so many broken lives, the knowledge of the role he has played in the tragedy, it is slowly eating him alive. No matter how hard he delves into his work, no matter the lives he helps saving, the number will never be even - not even close. Sometimes he feels so tired.

His phone beeps again. _Stop the self-loathing train of thought. _Another bleep. _Now. _This time there is an image attached: a photoshopped picture of Iron Man with the face of a very pissed Hulk. Bruce rolls his eyes. That must be some of his Internet things he wants to know nothing about.

He types the reply, smiling to himself. _Okay._

.

When Bruce enters the gym, Steve gives him a smile of genuine surprise.

"Doctor Banner, 's good to see you down here", he says.

The said doctor just smiles nervously. He almost reaches for his the pocket of his lab coat before he remembers he isn't wearing it.

He is trying to think as less as possible about this, remembering that Rogers has agreed to give this whole _thing _up it things so south and he is about to Hulk out. He is sure that the supersoldier will keep his word.

"So…ehm…what do you want me to do?", he asks in a low voice.

"I think we can start with the basics", Steve answers, "Take these".

He hands his a pair of boxing gloves, then grabs a - Bruce doesn't know what that is, it looks like a round padded glove - and wears it on his left hand. So Bruce wears his gloves.

Steve nods.

"Okay, now I want you to punch this, like this - " he says, showing him the movement with his right hand.

Bruce's attempt is half-hearted and Steve jokes about the low risk of him getting hurt sparring with the "puny doctor".

"C'mon", he teases.

And so it begins.

Bruce is so awkward and Steve can actually see that he is overthinking it, weighting every movement, probably restraining himself, fearing that the Hulk might take over if he relaxes. They try some moves, then Steve wears gloves too and shows him how to counteract the simple punches he has shown the doctor.

"So, if you come straight at me, like this", he explains, "you should try to block me using your forearm to move mine away, outwards, before the wrist, yes, right".

Then they practise the move a couple of times before moving on to the following one.

"Good, and if I come at you like this…"

.

When Steve feels they have covered the most basic attack and counter-attack moves, he tells Bruce they should try and spar a bit.

Bruce's eyes widen, but he says nothing and nods.

"Ready?" Rogers asks.

Bruce doesn't even need to think about it. Is he scared of Captain America? Yes. Is he sure about he has learned so far? Nope. Will he beat the shit out of him? Thank God, he is a boy scout, so probably not. He mentally curses Tony for convincing him about this.

"No, but go ahead."

So Steve starts aiming at him, not really hitting him, but just barely touching him with his gloves. Steve grazes his side, Bruce looks down, but the Captain's other glove is already touching his cheek, and Bruce can see the mock-punches coming at him, he thinks "he is coming this way", but can't figure out what to do, he just stares at Steve's red boxing gloves coming at him from everywhere.

Finally - it feels like a long time to him, but he realises it is probably mere seconds - he takes a step back. Steve looks at him and doesn't move forward, his movements slow down a bit, but still Bruce is frozen in his place. He knows how fast Rogers is, and this is not even close.

_What do I do, what do I do?_

Rogers hits down on his left glove and something clicks. _Okay, I can do it. Just hit him, Bruce._

Banner awkwardly tries to lunge at the supersoldier and misses. _Should I try again? Oh, God. Why can't I think? When he hits me, I … . _An image flickers in his mind and he raises both of his hands in front of his face to cover and protect it. _Right, that was the defensive stance. _But then he can't see Steve anymore because of the gloves and everything is just a blur.

Left, on the side, right ear, stomach - Bruce takes a step back and he feels the panic rising in his gut - punch on the outside of his shoulder, back to his side, left, another step back - _think! -_ Steve hits him right on the gloves and they smack on his nose, step, step, punch, step, faint, punch, step step step - cornered.

He feels Steve stopping and turns his head to look at the wall that is just inches behind him.

_Oh._

He slowly lowers his arms, looking down at the gloves, feeling his ears turning red. He feels like a kid again, caught with his hands in the cookie jar or getting detention for the first time. He wants to go back to his room, dig a hole and hide in there for a couple of months. Maybe hit his head _hard_ on the wall so that maybe it starts working again. Anything to get out of the room. _Away._

"There." A hand and a water bottle enter his field of vision. He forces his eyes to go up and meet Steve's. Bruce tries to smile, but it ends up being a grimace.

He makes a worse fool of himself by needing an awfully long time to take off his gloves properly. _(Obviously)._

He is about to say he is sorry, when Steve speaks.

"Didn't get into many fights at school, I guess".

Bruce laughs nervously, "Not really."

An awkward silence.

"We need to work on your instincts, Banner." Steve finally says. "From what I know, it is your MO - in a fight or flight situation, your reaction is always the same: you run away. As an Avenger, we need to get rid of that". He smacks his hand on Bruce's shoulder_. Ouch _(though Bruce doesn't actually know whether it is the words or Steve's strength that hurts more).

"But today was good, it gives us a good place to start." Steve offers.

A vague "hmm" is Bruce's laconic answer, Steve's words still echoing in his mind.

_Your reaction is always the same: you run away._

Touché.

* * *

**I'd like to know what you thought about this, leave a review if you want to :)**


	9. Chapter 9: Aftermath

**Dear Natasha,**

* * *

**Natasha,**

* * *

**Dear Nat,**

* * *

**Natasha,**

**I really**

* * *

**I was so happy to receive your letter**

* * *

**How are you? Guess you can't tell much**

* * *

**Things here have been**

* * *

**Rogers and I trained together today**

* * *

**Steve has said tha**

* * *

**_Your reaction is always the same: you run away._**

* * *

**You should forget about me and find your happiness with someone else**

* * *

**You should entrust be with someone ****better**

* * *

**You should entrust your feelings with someone ****worthy**

* * *

Bruce writes another sentence, then he crunches the sheet of paper into a ball and throws it to the ground with an angry grunt.

**I can't do this.**


	10. Chapter 10: Wonderwall

_**AN:**_ _(I put this off to leave the previous chapter as raw as possible) I am so sorry for being so late. But, my exams are over [insert celebratory noises here]. I will definitely have more time to write (and, yes, I've learned my lesson - don't write a chapter at a time). If anyone is so patient and is still interested in this story, thank you so much. And to the amazing reviewers and people who added this story to their subscription feed!_

_Thanks to the guest who reviewed telling me to update soon - it was a much needed push! And thanks to Caffeinedelusion who reviewed as guest and told me much more about Wanda's cool powers than the movie did (I am basing her character on the movie, so I am quite ignorant about the wonderful and huge world of comics, which I would really love to delve in, but I have no clue where to start)._

_Without further ado and babbling, chapter 10._

.

_Earlier_

Bruce is shaking and sweating when he comes back from the gym. Yet it is not from exertion.

He knows he shouldn't be so upset about Steve's words. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.

Steve is right. Of course he is. It wouldn't hurt so much if he weren't.

Suddenly it feels as though the last few years have all been a huge deceit, not just to himself but to others too. Pretending to be an Avenger, a hero. Tsk. Bruce Banner is a coward. Even as a child, when his father- he said nothing. He _did _nothing.

He can use pacifism as an excuse, but there is more than that. Yes, he hates war with his whole being, he knows it is no solution and will never be and he would never want see another human being suffer - and yet joining the Avengers has shown him that sometimes you have to take action - the world isn't good enough to allow people to cross their arms and just say "No"; if he hadn't acted at least to defend himself and others around him, he would have died long ago.

Still, Bruce Banner is never the first to take action, never the one to make the first move - women make no exception - or to express an idea. He needs to be pushed and cornered so that he has no alternative, so that he can't run away, like Tony always does. It's one of the reasons he likes Tony.

Even if he wants to believe that people are good, he is always wary of others. He knows the exact number of people he trusts.

After the Hulk happened, he had to run away and hide and become a ghost. No one should remember or know him, his name, what he really is. _Monster. _It proved and fed all the self-loathing and negativity and belief that happiness is a fraud he had built for all his life.

As he sits on his bed, watching his hands shake in front of him, he wonders whether he is still running.

He wonders what he is running from now. It's not Ross anymore, not SHIELD.

He sighs and drops his head into his hands, elbows resting on his knees, and a sigh escapes his mouth.

Sometimes he just wishes the Hulk never happened, that he could live a boring and ordinary life as a scholar and perhaps be lucky enough to marry Betty Ross and have kids and grow old and happy.

He had no one to blame but himself. _Bruce Banner: one of today's greatest minds._

An Avenger. The one who can't defend himself without killing tens of people who will be classified as "casualties", the one who has no control unless the Other Guy decides he might like the plan and go with it. He had always thought of himself as weak, before he became strong in the most unexpected and appalling way.

The lullaby is probably the best thing that has happened to him after the incident. Okay, Natasha is probably the best thing. Now the natural course of thing will make him screw up again and ruin everything.

She shouldn't be interested in him. She shouldn't smile at him like that and flirt and pretend that they can actually be together. He is a monster and she is … perfect. She is brave and sexy and confident and brilliant and unafraid of dealing with the ghosts of her past. And even if she is a professional killer, the more he gets to know her, the more she strucks him as innocent...she still believes that, no matter what, she can be a good person. "Really, you have so much in common!" a little sarcastic voice in his head tells him.

Bruce knows full well he doesn't deserve her, not even as a friend.

There will come a day when the lullaby does not work and he kills her.

Or that she realises that he is nothing, while she can have whoever she wants with a snap of those strong and lithe fingers.

Bruce is aware that he is running away even now. He knows he has strong feelings towards Natasha and as foolish as that may sound she thinks she feels something for him as well. He might give it a shot, at least until she sees he has nothing to offer her and she changes her mind, shattering his heart. But he has learnt that the longer you let your mind linger on a dream, the worst it hurts when the soap bubble bursts.

He wipes a stray tear from the corner of his left eye, stands up and goes to sit at the little desk in the corner of his room.

Then he grabs pen and paper and starts to write.

.

_**AN: **Thoughts, complaints, suggestions? As always they are very welcome!_

_P.S. I am starting to miss Ms. Romanoff...and you?_


	11. Chapter 11: Decisions

_AN: Slowly getting to the end..._

_P.S. As I haven't written this earlier, I'll add a little disclaimer underlining how I own nothing of Marvel, of these amazing characters or whatever…This must be such a disappointing and shocking discovery, eh? ;)_

* * *

Bruce felt a dozen contrasting feelings bubble inside of him - not surprisingly, rage was the strongest.

"I -", he was going to say it out loud, " - my dad killed my mother. That's the image of love I grew up seeing, okay? I don't believe in it!"

She stared at him for a moment, wondering what to let her features show. Then, as she always did with him, she decided for honesty. And he could see pity, and anger, in her eyes.

"I don't remember much of the time I lived with my family - that was also a part of the training of the Red Room.", she said softly. "But I remember being happy", she added with a tiny, crooked smile. "And I am old enough that I have seen glimpses of love and to know that it is possible for some who are lucky enough."

She was staring at him intently.

"We are given a shot here, Bruce. You are an intelligent man" (he blushed at the compliment, bowing his head) "and as you know that maybe it won't work out, you have to give in and admit that it could", she said, accompanying her words with a gentle touch of her fingers to his left arm.

"As much as I care for you and as much as it pains me to say this, it takes two people's commitment to build a relationship…You know how I feel and what you feel. Now you should decide if you want to try and make something from that."

She pecked him on the cheek, holding to that gesture for just a second longer, and left.

.

_Earlier_

Bruce wakes up with a groan. His muscles feel a little sore from sparring with Steve yesterday, he has slept for just a few hours, sombre thoughts keeping him awake, and, worst of all, his next training session is…in half an hour.

As he takes a quick and cold shower to force his brain to wake up completely, his thoughts go back to something he busied himself with last night, trying to distract himself from his bad mood and finally get some sleep. But he needs to speak with Tony about that, so he scribbles a note before leaving his room.

Steve is already in the gym, jumping all around a boxing bag, sweating.

Bruce would rather be in the lab, letting his mind be completely absorbed into work, discussing theories with Tony on the phone, than here, but he has said he would do this and after what Steve has said…he doesn't want to be the one who runs away - nor to prove that he is by skipping his second training.

For the umpteenth time the words "why have I said yes" form in the back of his mind, but he pushes them back and greets Steve.

Steve smiles his good boy smile at him and approaches him. "Hey, Bruce! I've got good news for you, Natasha's coming back today!", he says.

Bruce's eyes widen in surprise and he quickly moves them to the ground, trying to hide his embarrassment and mixed feelings. Luckily for him, Steve sees that as the doctor's typical shyness (which, as far as women are concerned, he can relate to) and says nothing.

"Oh and, Bruce, before we start", the supersoldier says grasping Bruce's shoulder - with a little more force than either he meant to or than the scientist would have expected - "I wanted to apologize if I have scared you somehow yesterday. I'm afraid my words have been too hard, I hope you understand what I meant."

If it wasn't for his present uneasiness, Bruce would suppress a laugh and think of some jokes to share with Tony in a later moment at the sight of a puppy-eyed Captain America. If there was something to forgive, that look would have convinced him.

"Hmm- No, it's okay. I mean, you're right - about what you said, not about being too hard." And that's why people say I'm a dork. "I- That is something I need to work on", he blurted finally.

Needless to say, he is glad when they get to start the training. At least the first ten minutes of it.

.

After his training, which left his muscles tight and his mind pleasantly clear, and a much needed shower, he can finally get to the lab.

He turns on his computer and calls Tony.

"Hey, you grinchy friend of mine!", is today's greeting.

A low chuckle. "Hi. I've been thinking…what would you do if you wanted to have a backup for everything that is Internet based, without having it connected in any way to the Internet?", Bruce asks.

"Is it a riddle?"

"Nope."

Then Tony is silent for a few seconds and Bruce knows he is interested in the matter.

"It's because of the work I am doing on Ultron. I was thinking…with access to the Internet and the right knowledge, you can hack anything. And nowadays, everything is connected to the Internet, not just those missiles we hid from him. In a way we were lucky he was a megalomaniac and aimed big, but if he had attacked more daily stuff, he might have made a bigger mess - he wouldn't even have needed your drones, that was because he was obsessed with you!", he explains.

"So you want to get the Internet off the Internet?"

"Yeah, something inaccessible from it, completely off-line, so that it would be safe in case the remnants of Ultron I'm working on were to come back to life somehow. And this means there should be no hint of it on the web, so we could work on some alert system so that-" he continues, but Tony cuts him off.

"What is it exactly you have found?"

"He has left…footprints. They are like strings of code, so far I have focussed more on deleting them than on analysis, but I think that collecting and activating them might lead to re-creating his original program - or trigger something he has left behind him."

"So you want to create a safety net?"

"Yes."

"And if Ultron should attack, it would activate and replace systems that are run through the Internet?" Tony finishes for him.

"Exactly", Bruce says with a smile.

"Well, that is an ambitious idea, so count me in. I'd be devastated if someone else's invention replaced the Internet - other than you, man, obviously." Bruce laughs. "Also, that might end up all nineteen-eighty-four-ish and HYDRA-style, either the government will be against us or they'll try to control it. The gov or Google, you know, it'll be a huge amount of data and so, power."

"Yes, I'm afraid s-" Bruce starts to answer, but he is interrupted by a quite familiar and slight cough behind him. He turns to see a stunning woman smiling slyly at him, leaning on the doorframe in her catsuit as if it was the most ordinary thing to do. His breath catches.

"Uhmm, Tony? Can I call you back?" he manages to say as he realizes he has been staring.

"Let me guess, not-so-Little Red Riding Hood has come out to play?" Bruce wants to roll his eyes, but refrains from doing so, so that Natasha doesn't see him. It might sound childish, be he really wants her and Tony to be friends. "Okay, buddy, but don't forget your friends", the billionaire says in a mock-offended tone.

They say good-bye and hang up.

Natasha straightens, taking her shoulder off the doorframe, uncrossing her arms.

"You know," she says in her silken voice, "I love it when you go on scientist-mode and get so talkative."


End file.
